“If it takes my whole life I won’t break I won’t bend, it will all be worth it, worth it in the end.”
As Sparrow and I lay upstairs in our sweat box of a bedroom on Wednesday evening, the ice cream truck passed by. In the neighborhood that we live in the ice cream truck seems to pass by at least 45 times a day playing, “twinkle twinkle little star”, or better yet, “pop goes the weasel”. The songs are played over and over ad nauseam. You literally can hear the truck 4 blocks away clearly, then it sits on our street in front of our house for an eternity. It seems we are the lucky stop. I know it is summer time, it’s a lovely part of summer, except the fact is that it is fucking annoying and I don’t do dairy. In my minds eye a double negative all the way around. We are laying and sweating and not from another nice fuck fest, but from another one of our less then stellar conversations. It has been no secret that this is not the life that either of us had planned, I suppose that is the thing about life, the only thing that we have constant is the change. Let it be for the good or the bad. I think the two of us are so wrapped up in the present and the past that we can not see into our future, or maybe that is just me. No I think that is just me, he tells me that as long as he has me forever then everything is fine. I tell him he is just not being realistic, we need a foundation, there isn’t one anymore. I then explain how he isn’t happy and miserable all the time. I then proceed to realize that I am projecting. I am not the happiest at the moment, I worked so hard to get myself out of shitty situations, find the right person to start a real life with and it has crumbled before it has had a chance to begin. It will be a year tomorrow since Sparrow proposed . . . there is a bittersweetness in my heart. He tells me there are no contingencies that are placed on me within our relationship, he always just wanted me and all the shit that came along with it. I had contingencies, stability and security. We argue . . . “why is it all placed on me for our future?” I tell him that it is far easier for him to get a “real job” then me at the moment . . . I have no resume. He then says that he is insecure in our relationship that I will leave for someone that can offer me everything that I need. I tell him that they though, are not him. I know his fear is not unfounded, with my track record, cutting and running. I did agree to marry him, for better or worse. I am my beloved and my beloved is mine. We lay there in silence, I sense that he is very upset and emotional and I can just be fucking mean. The ice cream truck is making it’s round 55 of the day. A different song is playing, strange, “silent night” in the summer, weird. Sparrow and I look over at each other with this look of shock and awe. We are reminded of our black out.
Last fall it was two days after my 32 birthday, October to be exact. I have notoriously, in the past have had the worst birthdays ever, and the weather has always played a factor. If it was my birthday, chances are that it will be freezing and raining. It gives such a positive feeling of this is just the beginning of the next seven months of shit. It did not fail me, god forbid it be nice, after a gray rainy day we went out to dinner in the snow. I was wearing my black glitter heels. Could I just get a fucking break, just to look nice and enjoy a god damn new birthday year? . . . NO. New England faced a historic snow storm and black out. Yep, we were the lucky ones who had the privilege of living through this. The power had gone out over most of the entire state, there was no preparation for this storm, since a storm with this much velocity had not come through like this in over a hundred years. Shit it was not even Halloween yet. The reason the storm was so horrific was because the leaves had not fallen off the trees making the branches extremely heavy. The branches then fell on top of all the power lines, eliminating power completely. Nobody could have planned for this, it was a freak show. It was freezing . . . Nothing was open, it was a different world. We waited in line for gas for over an hour. We waited at Dunkin Dounuts for 45, this shit was crazy. There was no food, this went on for a week. I removed the bird from the house in order for him not to freeze to death, yes it was that cold. Sparrow had to still go to work, this was at the time everything at his job was really starting to fall apart. I was home alone in the freezing house. I could not get warm at the mall, it was closed . . . yes it was that bad. Nights though were the worst. We were in bed at around seven, what else was there to do? We were huddled so close it was so, so cold. By this point we both were really starting to lose it, our body and brain could not take much more. I said, “this is what survivor must be like, fuck this no amount of money is worth it”. As we lay here in silence surrounded by candle and tea lights, I begin singing. Mind you I am not very good at all. . .no I am horrible. I begin singing “Silent Night” over and over again. For some reason this brought us both comfort. Sparrow looked at me with tears in his eyes, it was one of the situations that you must find something to cling on to for some hope. It was me singing “Silent Night” . . . so as you could imagine the randomness of hearing this playing from the ice cream truck in July. Sparrow and I having the issues that we are having, that truck with that fucking song is what we needed to hear to bring us back to where we needed to be. Just us two, nothing more (as was the case in October) and nothing less. I think I fell in love with him a little bit more, we have so much and yes we have so much “stuff” at the moment. It is so important for us not to lose sight of what we are. That is being said for me in particular, I am so very hasty. We held one another’s hand, he took mine and kissed it as he always does. No words needed to be exchanged, for the moment it is really okay.